STORY TIME - Volume 5

HEART BREAK
By: Heather B. Thomas


Certain things are bound to break your heart – of this she is sure. The following is a prime example to that, but she takes solace that finally her life has turned around and is really, really good.

- - - - - - - - - -

On April 3, 1992 Hillary was invited to the Chi Sig pledge party, and still to this day – she has no idea who invited her. She walked over to frat row with her roommate Mina but Mina spent most of the time with her boyfriend at the Bird House.

She kept going back and forth between two houses – the Chi Sig house and the Gamma Nu house (she had been invited to that party too). Each time she was at the Chi Sig house, her ex-boyfriend Shorty kept flirting with her because his current girlfriend Chelle was not there.

Hil was extremely flattered by the attention he was giving her, because (at that moment) she felt she still cared deeply for him and felt at times as if she was even still in love with him. She realizes now that she was mistaken. Each time Shorty flirted with her Hil flirted back because she felt there was still a chance for them to get back together. Of course, only because he told her in January that he did not love Chelle.

So there she was, finishing up the night at the Chi Sig house – and Shorty said he was going home, back to his dorm that is, and he asked if she would walk him back. So she went, though she was totally planning on going back to the Gamma Nu house because she knew her friends would still be there.

He chose to go the long way back to campus, through the Centennial grove – and as they walked through the orange trees he held her hand and she didn't object even when he pulled her close for a kiss. In fact – she kissed him back. It felt so good.

When they finally broke apart and walked across the street to the dorms, he stopped at the back door of her dorm and asked if they could go up to her suite to talk. She said yes, because there was so much to talk about. They needed, most of all, to talk about his feelings for her vs. his feelings for Chelle and why he kept approaching her when he was still with Chelle. She was so confused.

When they ended up in her room they started talking. Then they started kissing. Both of them had been drinking and she felt her head spinning from the rush of feelings and the alcohol. And Hil's inhibitions went out the window. But when she realized he had taken off her clothing – she said no. She refused to have sex with him while he still had a girlfriend.

It was one thing to mess around and even to have sex when everyone was single – but it was a completely different thing to have sex when someone else was in a relationship. The funny thing was that she hadn't even been aware of him taking off her clothes, they were just gone. So she reached down to get her top and he wouldn't let her go. Hil said no again trying to remain firm. But he refused to listen. He wouldn't let her go, and his grip got stronger the more she tried to get away.

"Shorty," Hil said, "Let me go damn it."

"Oh come on, honey," he coaxed – pinning her arms down by her sides and biting her neck. "You know you want this as bad as I do."

"I said no," she repeated. But he was a dead weight and had her pinned to the bed. His legs were between hers and he had moved her arms up over hear head. He clamped them together with one hand, and moved the other between her legs.

"No," she cried out. "I said stop!" and tried to wiggle out from underneath him. She thought she had succeeded, finally scrambling off the bed and moving toward the other side of the room. But he grabbed her wrist – and wrenched her back to where he was on the bed.

"Damn it Chelle," he yelled. "Get back here."

"Shorty, I am not Chelle! I said NO."

But Hil's cries went unnoticed as he continued to paw at her naked body and entered her. Tears were streaming from her eyes, how could this be happening? The alcohol was still weighing her brain down, but she had one last blip of sanity and elbowed him in the neck while crawling off the bed for a third time.

Grabbing a blanket, she covered herself and cursed.

"What the fuck do you thing you're doing? You ASSHOLE!" she hollered, tears pouring down her face. "Get out – leave, don't touch me, and go." And she threw a pillow at him as hard as she could – it was the only thing near her, and she wished she had something harder to throw.

"Come on, I love you," he said.

"Shorty get out. I don't ever want to see you again."

So finally he pulled on his clothes and left. She sat there in tears, not sure what to do. She felt dirty – she physically hurt – she wanted to run, but where would she go? She looked at the clock – it was now around 2:30am in the real world no one would still be awake, but she knew someone would be at the Gamma Nu house, even at this late hour. So she threw on some clothes and bolted from her room. It was tainted now – it didn't feel safe anymore.

Across campus she walked, tears still wetting her face. And finally stumbled up the front steps of the house. Music was coming from the living room, and she was relieved to realize that yes, someone was always there. She entered the house and looked for Gi, but didn't see her or any of her other sisters there. As she gazed around the room her eyes fell on her friend Damon, and they welled up with a fresh batch of tears. Her hasty entrance to the house had caught his eye, and he saw she was both crying and shaking. He quickly crossed over to her and took her in his arms. She cried and cried – yet he kept holding her, and wouldn't let go. Finally the tears subsided for a moment and he pulled away from her to look at her face.

He was shocked by what he saw. Hil's hair was a mess, she had makeup running under her eyes, bruises on her neck, and a miss-matched outfit – so not right. He took her by the hand and lead her outside.

"What happened?" he asked gently. "You're not okay – talk to me."

She told him she had just been attacked by an ex (but wouldn't tell him which one).

"Was it Bert?" he asked with anger touching his voice, referring to her latest ex, and one of his brothers.

"No," she replied quickly. "Not him – never him. He would never do anything like this. It was someone else. I can't tell you who. Not now."

"Ok," he replied. "I have to ask you – were you sexually assaulted?"

She stood there, not sure what to say. She wanted to tell him yes – she wanted to tell him everything that had happened, but she couldn't. The words stuck in her throat, and couldn't come out. So she lied.

"No…" and didn't say another word.

He looked at her skeptically, knowing fully well that she was lying, but what could he do. So he took her back inside and sat her down by the fire.

"Sit here," he told her. "Don't move, I'll go get you a drink. You stay there." And he walked off.

She shook a cigarette from the pack, snapped her Zippo and inhaled deeply. That felt so good. Damon returned with a drink for her just as her buddy BJ entered the house. When he saw her sitting by the fire he walked over and bummed a smoke. He saw she was upset and tried everything he could think of to get her to crack a smile but nothing worked. He even had the pledges dance a gig just for her amusement – but still she didn't smile.

And then Bert walked up, and started to lecture BJ on the evils of smoking (as spoken by an ex-smoker non-the-less). Yet he knew better than to say anything to her. She just glared at him. If he hadn't dumped her she wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. She needed someone to blame, and he was handy.

"Bert, go away," she sighed and scowled. "We don't need your lectures old man. We don't need you. Just leave me alone."

He looked at her in shock, and then grabbed BJ's smoke and threw it in the fire with a "You don't need this."

So she shook another one from the pack, lit it and handed it to BJ – all the while glaring at Bert. That shut him up about the smoking – but then he stared in on what her problem was.

He had some nerve, trying to seem concerned. Where was he earlier? Why wasn't he taking care of her like he was supposed to?
"Bert," she said, "Just go away. I don't wan to talk to you." And finally he stomped off. BJ asked if she wanted to leave, and offered to walk her home. When they got to her dorm, she asked him to come up with her. She couldn't be alone – but she couldn't tell him what had happened. He spent the night, held her all night long, even though she couldn't sleep.

Mina had spent the night at her boyfriends, and she believed her other suitemate Z was at her boyfriends as well. She spent what was left of the night listening to BJ breath in and out.

The next morning, after BJ had left – she wandered into the bathroom and saw Z was home. "Z," she asked, "what is considered sexual assault?"

"Anytime someone touches you sexually and you are not willing," replied Z, and looked her in the face – slowly moving her eyes down and seeing the wave of bruises on neck, arms and chest. "What happened to you?" she asked with genuine concern.

Hil told her everything, this time telling the entire story – not leaving out a thing. She told Z every gory detail, every touch, every tear, everything. Z was rightfully appalled, and after asking if she was okay told her "You weren't assaulted honey," she then continued on very gently, "You were raped."

And with that Hil crumbled up in a heap on the floor, dissolved into tears. And at that moment Mina walked in and the whole story had to be told again. The two of them stayed with her all day. They didn't let her out of their sight for one minute. They got her to shower and dress, and finally got her to go out and get something to eat with them. All the while telling her she was not to blame.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Two years later she found something from that night in a pile of papers in her desk –

"Last night was an incredibly painful evening, not only emotionally, but physically as well. Last night I was raped by Shorty. Never in my life did I even think something as horrible could happen to me. This is the type of thing you read about in the paper, you see it on TV, they make movies out of it – but it doesn't happen to real people like me. I feel dirty. I feel bad – my body hurts. I am covered in bruises.

I know they'll go away, but I feel so bad. The sisters tell me it wasn't my fault. I did nothing wrong. Shorty is to blame, but I still feel it is my fault. If only I hadn't said yes to talking him home. If only I hadn't been drinking. If only he'd have left me alone after Bert and I broke up. If only Bert hadn't broken up with me. If only… if only, all these if onlies. I cried all night. I couldn't sleep. I had BJ come stay with me because I was afraid Shorty was going to come back.

Last night made me feel so powerless. I don't ever want to feel this way again. I'm so mad that he made me feel this way. I'm mad I wasn't my usual "in control" self. What was I thinking? I'm mad that he stole this control from me. I don't think I'll ever feel the same. Will I ever be able to get past this?

I'm so confused. How could Shorty do this to me? He told me he loved me… he said he wanted me not Chelle. He said he wanted to see me again, that he was going to leave her. He said he had missed me and that he was so hurt when I was dating Bert. He said he hated seeing us together, and it tore him up inside wanting me so bad. So if that's how he really felt how could he do this to me? I don't get it. Can someone please explain it to me? How do things like this happen?

- - - - - - - - - - -

It is now the fall of 1993 – and she can still remember the terror, the fear that engulfed her in realizing she was powerless to stop the pain and anguish. Hil can still feel those hands upon her, hurting, biting, hatefully repressing her freedom. The hands which, at one time, had been so gentle and kind, but now were tools of destruction. The pain which was worse than any physical torture though was the knowledge that she had been rendered speechless.

The screams and cries died in her throat as the tears streamed down her face, drowning out her pleas and despair. She beat herself up remembering that there were people just one door away, who would have come to her rescue if she had just called out. If she had just fought a little harder. If only…

If only she had just done something, but she was powerless, there was nothing she could do. Those hurting hands and that voice echoing forever in her mind, make her feel like she's loosing her sanity, and every time when she's least expecting it, there he is grinning. She still feels the pain like a dull gnawing in her gut, daily decreasing, but always there, forever present like a fading scar. A part of her died that night and she longs for its salvation though she knows there is nothing she can do to renew what has decayed within her, it is gone forever.

- - - - - - - - - - -

And so the school year ended. She found out as she was packing up to head home for the summer that the Gamma Nu brothers had been trying since April to find out who had hurt her. They'd been asking her sisters, but hadn't been able to find out anything. Which is exactly what she wanted.

She didn't want them to know the truth, she was humiliated. And she would feel responsible if any of them got arrested for pounding on Shorty the way she knew they wanted to. She also found out that they had sworn after seeing how beat up she was after that night, to keep an eye on her from there on out. They stuck by her, shadowing her every move when she went out at night. She had had a feeling that's what they were doing – but she never asked, never questioned.

- - - - - - - - - - -

So time has passed, she's grown up and learned to live with the hurt. And eventually it even seemed to fade. Hil met a man, a real man – someone to lean on and trust. Someone that would be there for her no matter what. Someone to love, and slowly her broken heart began to mend.

It's been fifteen years since she was raped. She learned that life does go on. She can be whole again. She is married and has a child. She has a wonderful life and great friends. She knows it is hokey – but time does heal all wounds.

THE END.


© 2007. No part may be copied, printed or duplicated without express permission of the author.